How Difficult Conversations Can Lead to Positive Change

How Difficult Conversations Can Lead to Positive Change

From Training Industry Blog


Picture yourself having a conversation with a person you know is smart and committed to her work but often complains about a situation and feels stuck even when others offer her advice. You want her to quit focusing on the problem and try something new. You’ve given her feedback, but the conversation just circles back to what's not working.
This is a typical leadership scenario where traditional conversation skills don’t work. The leader must delve deep in the conversation to help the person see the situation more broadly and recognize how they might be sabotaging their success. This will probably be an uncomfortable conversation, but it’s also the best opportunity to help them change and grow.
In order to define who we are and make sense of the world, humans develop patterns of thinking that they strongly protect. This protective nature constrains the brain, making it difficult for people to objectively examine their thoughts. People get stuck protecting their points of view. It takes strong reflections and questions to break through the barriers and create self-awareness.
To help someone think differently about a situation:

• Listen deeply. When you're listening for emotional triggers and blocks, you're listening at a very deep level. In return, people feel profoundly seen, heard and understood. Although there may be discomfort when you share what you hear, the emotions dissipate and results in more meaningful conversations and stronger relationships.
• Challenge the beliefs that created the frames. What assumptions do you hear? What is she expecting to happen that is only speculation?
• Ask about what appears to be the underlying fears and needs, logical or not, that are keeping the patterns in place.
• Use reflective statements (checking out what you see, hear, and sense) and questions to help people actively think about their thinking, which can change beliefs and behavior.
• Don’t shy away when the person shows emotions. When you make people stop and question their thoughts, their brains frantically try to make sense of the new perception, causing a moment of discomfort. Then a burst of adrenaline could cause an emotional reaction - anything from nervous laughter to anger - before an insight emerges. When you ask them to articulate what they now see and think, you have a chance to change their minds for good.
• Choose an emotional keyword. Before starting the conversation, choose an emotion you want to feel. When a person reacts, remember that if you are angry or disappointed with them, they won’t be open to having additional conversations with you. Select one word to use as an emotional anchor you can go back to when your own impatience, anger or fear arises. Consider what you want the other person to feel—inspired, hopeful, or courageous? Then occasionally remind yourself to feel this emotion too.
• Hold the person in high regard. You have to believe in the person’s potential even if you were disappointed in their "stuck" behavior. There has to be mutual respect for the conversation to be effective. Consider what the person has done well in the past and what is possible in the future. Hold the person in high regard even before you enter the conversation. The person will sense your respect and hope for them even if the conversation feels difficult.

Discomfort felt in the moment of uncertainty opens the mind to learning. The perfect time for a discomfort zone conversation is when a person is stuck in one perspective and resisting advice. Leaders can use these conversations to help top talent think through problems, see situations more strategically and grow beyond their limitations.
The most successful leaders participate in helping others create new realities, said Joseph Jaworski in his book, "Synchronicity." The conversations might be uncomfortable, but profound and lasting learning happens. If one of the greatest purposes of being a leader is to help people grow, then all leaders should know how to navigate uncomfortable conversations.

         

About the Author

Marcia Reynolds

Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, travels the world speaking and teaching classes in advanced coaching skills, leadership and emotional intelligence. She is the author of three books and has been quoted in major online and print publications in the U.S. and Europe. Her new book is titled, "The Discomfort Zone: How Leaders Turn Difficult Conversations into Breakthroughs".
Reynolds was fifth global president of the International Coach Federation and is currently the President Elect of the Association for Coach Training Organizations (ACTO). She is the Training Director for the Healthcare Coaching Institute, a coaching school and division of The Pyramid Resource Group focused teaching leaders in the healthcare industry. She also works with training organizations in Russia and China.
She holds a doctorate in organizational psychology and two masters degrees in communications and education. Her experience includes 16 years in leadership positions in training departments for healthcare and high-tech corporations. You can reach her at marcia@pyramidresource.com